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What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error...
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What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot
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If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.
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A pilot planning a VFR flight was getting a weather briefing from AFSS. When told of a line of thunderstorms approaching the departure airport the pilot asked: "Well, if I'm IFR will the thunderstorms still be there?"
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After a particularly lousy landing made from the right seat of a commercial airliner, that FO heard the Captain announce "Ladies and gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our First Officer."
Some months later the same crew was together and, sure enough, the Captain made an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom, announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX Airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our Captain."
The Captain turned angrily to his FO. "What did you say that for?"
"Remember a couple of months back when you did that to me?" the First Officer replied. "Now we're even!"
"But I never keyed the mike!" protested the Captain.
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Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?
Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?
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Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.
Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.
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The traffic was heavy, and the weary local controller had apparently heard all the "blocked" and "stepped on" responses he could take when he made this transmission:
"How come every time I key my mic, some idiot starts talkin'?"
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A veteran airline captain, apparently checking in with ATC on the wrong frequency, was asked:
"Say your position?" to which he replied, "Captain".
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What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
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British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?"
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This one was heard while flying in Holland, tower is talking to a female helicopter pilot..
"What's your altitude?"
"1000 feet"
"What's your heading?"
"175"
"What's your speed?"
"150 knots"
"What's your bra size?"
"36B........AAAHHHHH SHHIIIITTTTT"
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Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whosename is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"
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Heard from slightly irritated ATC:
Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace.
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Where am I?
Charles A. Lindbergh, upon arrival in Paris
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Do not spin this aircraft. If the aircraft does enter a spin it will return to earth without further attention on the part of the aeronaut.
From first handbook issued with the Curtis-Wright flyer.
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When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten
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This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean up.
His announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there.
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